Your heart is not a guest house nor a hotel.

After a break up or divorce some of you feel the need to prove you are still attractive, still desirable.  The fear of no one will want me. I am damaged goods and I have baggage. You are struggling to get over your divorce or breakup. The time you invested in your marriage was years. Everything you had planned and built was just fine. Of course, there were problems and fights but that seemed normal. Then it all changed. The change was gradual. You felt the change but didn’t know what it was. You hadn’t changed anything. You were still doing the things you always did. Admittedly things weren’t always fun nor was there much spontaneity. Routine had set in years ago and life habits had taken hold. But you were not bored. Let’s talk conversation popped up and now you know things are about to change radically. He wants out.  The train smash has arrived. The fights have arrived the pain has arrived and everyone is affected.

After some time of being alone or a single parent the need to be desirable becomes relevant. Your single friends suggest you go out and have some fun. Why not this seems like a good idea and it is. You feel nervous as its been a long time since you have done this. What if some man comes to talk to you? Will you feel guilty and wonder if you are breaking faith with your ex? After all he might want to come back. You have a good time but go home alone.

Weeks pass perhaps even months. You decide to go on a dating site to see what happens. Your profile is great and your inbox is flooded with comments and invitations. What fun this is. After a few emails back and forth you go on a date. The evening was wonderful and you end up in bed together. You feel great. A few days later he calls and you go out again. Wake up next to him. This repeats for a few weeks maybe even a few months. Now comes the time for kitchen table talk. Where is this going. He tells you this great and he is really enjoying your company but is not ready to commit to anything serious.

My dear friends this is the moment you should cut this off. Friends with benefits at this stage of your life is not the answer to moving on from a devastating break up.  Your heart is not a guest house nor hotel. You are not a BnB. Short visits and convenience stays are not good for your self-confidence. This behavior is soul destroying. You have so much more self-value and much to offer. You deserve to be happy and to re-establish your dreams. Your future is waiting for you and he really does exist. The man who will see you and look at you with a sense of permanence. If you avoid the mistakes of desperation the time to meet him will be shorter.