Here are a few pointers you really need to know. Recovery is a difficult process and I have been down this road. Recovering from my divorce was slow in the beginning and very painful. I was frightened and had anxiety attacks. I had never faced these sorts of problems before and had absolutely no experience. My first reaction was to run away. When I realized I couldn’t run away I began to think.
The following are tips that helped me.
- Know in all seriousness that it was not your fault. Sure, you are responsible for your actions and reactions, but so is he. What you are responsible for is your healing process. No one can save you or heal you. If you jump into another relationship straight away you are only postponing the inevitable. You will need to grieve for a while as your life changes and you let go of a dream.
- Wanting justice and fairness is a fantasy. You are not going to get it. Life is not fair. It is wrong to think he must face consequences for his actions any more than you will face consequences from his point of view. Justice is not always as you think it should be.
- When you spend time thinking about how much you hate him and want to see him suffer, know this is a complete waste of energy. Thinking about what he is missing out on or bad mouthing him is also a major waste of energy and time. Elvis’s Song “Are you lonesome tonight” says it all. Rather put the energy into yourself and everyday do something a little better that helps improve your life little step by little step. Stop blaming him and the world. Take a room in your house and fix it.
- You know your truth. Don’t spin it or change it. Let yourself understand that it was what it was. In this way any and all bad things you hear about yourself is just rubbish. Not everything you hear from others about you is true. People spin the story to make themselves look and feel better so the truth gets twisted into a one-sided story.
- Don’t allow your downward emotions overwhelm you. The best way to stop this from happening is to go through the emotion. Feel it. Understand it and come out the other side stronger. Do a meditation on it and see if you can find an alternative to these emotions. Please don’t use drugs or alcohol that won’t help at all. You just need to dance or bake or knit or something that you enjoy doing. It gets easier as you go along.
- This is a good one. No matter how much you search Google for a reason and come up with Narcissist or Autistic (convenient buzz words) you will never understand him or why this happened. You are wasting energy because you are trying to apply rational thought to an irrational situation. There is no need to understand him. Understand you need to let go of your sense of possession and start to heal.
- When you start looking for closure know that the best way to do this is to get on with changing your life to a life that works for you. Rather spend time out growing the past and looking forward to what’s to come.
- Lastly you will know you have made it when you care more about your happiness and couldn’t careless about his.
My dear friends this is something you can do. There is no shame in seeking help if you need it. Talking to some who knows how to help you is great. It shortens the learning curve. We all do better with a coach or therapist.