Getting divorced, breaking up and being back on the singles market is a strange realization. In reality it shouldn’t really be difficult. Rejection is just a part of life. As soon as you start dating you go through break ups and survive. Yet long term relationships have a different meaning and the break up can be and often is traumatic. Trusting someone else to build a life that you both want only to discover much later this is not the desired life at all can be so devastating.
I stood guard during my marriage and raising of my children. Minimum input for the maximum outage. I didn’t take much of a leadership role as I should have. Sure, I was domesticated but I left everything to her. I took her for granted. She had had enough and left. I tried to reinvent the life I had but on my own. Now the mission was to find a replacement as soon as possible. Next step was to join dating sites. I got lots of interest and before I knew it my front door became a revolving door. First time in my life I had so many options. Sex gave me a false sense of worth.
Months later my wonderful daughter asked me if I was over my divorce. I said yes can’t you see how busy I am. I don’t even think about my ex anymore. Then why are you hurting all these women who like you and hope to have a serious relationship with you? If you were your client and as a psychologist is this what your advice would be? I mean aren’t you scared it will wear out or just fall off? I don’t think you are happy at all dad. I think you need to take a hard look at what you are doing to yourself. Are you going to forget about us too? If she had just slapped me the shock would not have been as great.
Boy that made me take a step back and think. Is this what she was seeing? Was this the answer to moving on from a divorce? Were our lives as a family the same? Our lives had changed without me noticing. Was it even fair to these wonderful women? Was it fair to my children? Did I really want a committed relationship now? Did I need a relationship or did I need to get to know myself again and decide what I wanted by first healing? I realized that this path of promiscuity was destructive to my wellbeing and my children. It had to stop. The energy I was wasting I needed to internalize and start healing. Knowing that everything must change and I needed to stop looking for someone else who I thought would be responsible for my happiness. She doesn’t exist and never will. I am responsible for my happiness and being content will make a good space for someone to enter my life for the right reasons. When that happens life will be blessed. It will just take a little time.
Learn that the divorce was not all your fault nor all your ex-partners fault and stop thinking that it is.
Healing is your responsibility.
Life is not fair. Things change and change quickly.
Learn to be comfortable with your own company. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
Don’t let your emotions overwhelm you. A bad day is very different to a bad life.